Just Some Self Therapy

I haven't posted anything in awhile. That doesn't mean I haven't written any posts... I just haven't wanted to post them because they have all been "poor me" self pity parties. Let me say I am just not that kind of person. I don't like to ever do or say anything to make people feel sorry for me. I don't usually post anything on my blog about myself when I'm feeling lousy and I don't update my status on Facebook to make everyone aware if I am feeling really crappy.

With that being said, I haven't done a blog post in quite some time mostly because I don't have too much to talk about right now. I like to use my blog as a way to preserve memories. As much as this experience I am going through sucks, it is still a big part of my life that I would like to look back on and remember. There must be something to learn from it after all. So feel free to read or not read but I am going to throw myself a self pity party. This is not to mak anyone feel bad for me, I guess it's more of like a journal entry.

For starters I know that when we decided to get pregnant that at some point during the pregnancy bed rest would probably present itself. I had a cerclage done this time and have to admit that I was secretly thinking that that was going to make all the difference. I suppose really I set myself up to be disappointed. I thought that I would at least get further along in my pregnancy this time before bed rest presented itself. Well I did.... about 3 days further.

I dealt really well with my bed rest last time around. I've done okay this time but maybe mentally and emotionally not so well. I know that circumstances this time around are a lot different so the experience is going to be different. Already having a little one makes it about 100 times harder.

When people would ask me how I was doing when I was on bed rest with Ethan I was genuine when I told them I was doing good. I really tried to maintain a positive attitude last time for the sake of my sanity and for the sake of those around me. When I was in the hospital I was often thanked by my doctor and nurses for being so upbeat and positive and for making their jobs easier. That made me feel good.

When I first started out on bed rest this time around I tried to have a positive attitude. It's been difficult to say the least. Part of the reason (and I'm not saying this to make anyone feel bad) is that last time around me and Kevin had all the support in the world. This time has been different. We've had our family there for us and people have been really helpful with bringing meals, the sacrament for me and when we needed someone to watch Ethan, which we are so grateful for but beyond that I have felt very very alone within my own self the last 4 months. Don't get me wrong, I really don't expect anything from anyone. People always say "call if you need anything" but really it's more of a gesture and obviously I am not going to call. Maybe it's half my fault because I haven't really told anyone how I am feeling but let's face it, when someone other than really close family asks how I am doing I am going to say I'm doing okay. They are only asking as a greeting and are expecting me to tell them I'm good, not pour my heart out to them and make them feel awkward.

I am a private and quiet person. I keep to myself and don't really ask for anything from anyone. I have needed help coping with bed rest this time and I have never asked for it. I should have, but I didn't. Don't get me wrong I know that just because I am lying here and time is dragging by for me, life still goes on for everyone else. People are busy and I think people have the best of intentions but sometimes life is so busy that time just gets away from them. I guess I just figured that people would understand that what I am going through is beyond difficult.

Imagine for a minute that you are me. You lay in bed pretty much 24/7. The only time you can get out of bed is to go to the bathroom or for the seldom shower you are allowed. One of the highlights of your week is going to the doctors and having a probe shoved up inside you to be told that your cervix is shorter yet again. Pretty pathetic if that's what you look forward too, don't you agree? You lay there day after day alone with only your thoughts. You have an 18 month old who is your world and you have never been away from him for more than a couple of hours and then all of a sudden you have to go for a week without seeing him and only get to see him 2 days a week during which time he really doesn't want to just sit on the bed next to you. He is looking at you wondering what's wrong, he just wants you to get up and play with him and that's what you want to do more then anything else in this world. So basically at the end of the day someone else is raising my child. That is REALLY hard to deal with. You lay in bed day after day and in 4 months time you can count on one hand who you have seen other than your husband and some family.

I really can't help but feel depressed. Up until now I have felt depressed and I've known that it's for obvious reasons. Laying here day after day can make you feel that way. But lately I feel like it's gone deeper and I am starting to realize and feel that other than family no one really cares. Maybe that's not true but it's how I feel. There are some people that I really would have thought would have come to visit me at least once through this all, but they haven't even called let alone darkened my door step.

Another thing that has been difficult for me is trying to connect with this baby. When I was pregnant with Ethan I loved him so so much! I loved him before I ever felt him move. I have had a really hard time this time and have thought to myself on many occasions that there is something wrong with me. I have this little life growing inside of me and I am his mother and I should love him. I've heard that this is common with your second baby so maybe this isn't unique to me but it sure has been difficult for me. I am sure that when he is born and I get to hold him that I will love him so much, just like how I love Ethan.

Now here we are at the end of this whole experience with the end it sight. I really only have a few more weeks left to go and in the end it will all be worth it when Connor is here. When it is all said and done I did it. As hard as it all was, I did it. Bed rest is something that no one really truly understands unless you have been though it, like with a lot of things. I am not praising myself at all but I think that getting through something like this is a big accomplishment.

I know that everything we go through is for a reason and that maybe there is something I have to learn from it all. I still haven't figured out what that is but if I ever do, I'll let you know. Anyway I guess I mostly wanted to post this as therapy for myself. I do feel a little better now. This was mostly for myself so don't feel sorry for me.

In the end I will have another beautiful baby and it will be worth it. This is just what I have to do to get those beautiful babies here.